I am Going Mad

Oh my god the past few weeks have been an absolute nightmare that I really really hate being a stay at home mum. Illness and naughtiness has been a major problem and I just feel numb from it all. 

It is a battle everyday especially with my eldest child Ollie I really can't wait for him to go to school as a mum I really shouldn't say that but the stress is just too much now. 

I can't control him at all I try and try but he just doesn't listen so I end up shouting due to the frustration. I never enjoyed working all that much but this is actually hell and now want to go to work. 

Being a mum is not what I thought at all and I'm not really enjoying it. People keep saying to me enjoy this age as it goes so fast, you will be sad when they go to school but to be honest I can't wait for my freedom. I can't do anything without them. I was asked if I would like to help out at my weight watchers meetings on a Saturday but I can't because I'd have to bring these two naughty boys with me which wouldn't work, I've had to turn down doing craft events as no one around to look after the boys. It really does feel like its me and them 24/7 with hardly any help no matter how much I shout out for it. 

I can't be the only person to feel this way but it does make me feel awful as I should be enjoying it but I think I will look back at this stage of my life as the toughest stage yet.

Noise

I envy those of you that have silence all night through and have decent sleep, that would be a luxury.

I think since living in my hell hole house the last six years I haven't slept well at all which has been made worse after having kids.

For instance last night Joel woke at 1.20am got him back to sleep then I hear the neighbours moaning and groaning while having sex which is made worse by their crappy squeaky bed. After that it was rummaging through a wardrobe. A little quiet after but its not completely silent as I can hear road noise and a fan going at the local take away. 

Once I do drift back to sleep I here Ollie moaning but think he's still asleep same with Joel. It then gets to 6am and I hear a neighbour getting ready for work as I can hear the shower and toilet flush. Half hour or so later I hear the other side getting out of the crappy squeaky bed then stomp downstairs to bang kitchen cupboards.

After nights like that with constant wake ups I just can't focus but both kids woke up at the same time this morning needing nappy changes and Ollie demanding I play........urgh! 

These days are so long especially when I'm on my own, I just can't wait for bedtime again in hope I get more sleep.

Had Enough

Feeling little bit.......glum. Thinking back to the past and mistakes made. Like in 2006 we pulled out of a two bed flat that recently I keep thinking about and wished we had have gone ahead with it as we may have been much better off now. 

2007 we bought the house we are in now which has been an utter nightmare ever since and can't get out of it. 

When we got the keys and I walked into the house for the first time I wanted to cry as it was left in such a state and just thought 'what have we done'. At that point we didn't know the half of what was to come. Noisy neighbours actually let's say inconsiderate noisy neighbours at silly hours in the morning. I don't think I've had a decent nights sleep since moving into the house. I just want the nightmare to end as the stress and lack of sleep is taking its toll. 

Also the town we live in is depressing as the majority of the families live off benefits and will probably never get off their butts to work, I can't stand lazy people and people that have no respect for others. I've always worked and now we struggle to pay for a house we hate being in and are surrounded by weed smoking, lazy morons who have probably never stepped out of the town. I may sound snobby but I don't want my kids to grow up here and mix with these people who have no ambition in life other than to get drunk, high and laid.

I WANT OUT....but how?

No equity, no savings :(