I haven't put my thoughts down for some time but I felt the need to share where my head is at again.
I have the usual weight / food issues so nothing changes there. I even joined weight watchers again last September and have stayed within my goal range since last November but something has happened and I have started the comfort eating this week as I'm on a downer.
Way back to the end of June of this year I found out I was pregnant with baby no.3, I was pretty happy about it but kept it to myself for a couple of days. I told the hubby and he was in shock which was when all my doubts kicked in. What and how will we cope with a third child. The space in our house is already pretty full but I thought it can work as the boys can share. I had a bit of relief as the pressure of work melted away and I looked forward to the change.
I then started to feel incredibly anxious especially after my first midwife appointment with all the questions and complications that could happen as I am now an older mum at 36......really. Anyway from then on I just felt worried even though I had strong sickness feelings, heavy, tingly boobs, hungry all the time and so tired, I must be fine. I had weird dreams but one that stuck with me was having a scan and the screen showed an empty belly.
By about 9 weeks my symptoms seemed to ease which worried me a little but I had just had a night child free with hubby so I wasn't as stressed I had been. The symptoms came back but not as bad so I just felt eager to reach the 12 week scan. I didn't want to tell the boys or too many people until I knew all was developing nicely.
We were off to France and my scan wasn't until we came home so we enjoyed a couple of days in the sunshine surrounded by mountains. One of those days I got my hubby to take a picture of myself and the monsters when I looked at it I thought how slim I looked and how I just didn't feel pregnant.
The next day we went hiking in the mountains, it was hot and tough work so I slowed down but as we reached the top I started to get cramps. I worried that I over did it so took it easy on the way down but when I went to the toilet I had slight brown spotting. Kept telling myself it will be fine.
The next morning that dreaded morning I passed something, I convinced myself that my baby was gone, that's it, I was 11 weeks. I fished it out of the toilet and wrapped it in tissue........... how could I flush my baby.
We had to wait which seemed like hours for my In laws to get to the hospital. We were in France after all and I can't speak French (they can). Finally at the hospital which was like a maze and the waiting began as we did a new mother sat near us to breast feed her newborn. I was okay but the feeling that I may have just lost my baby then all you see is babies and baby bumps in your face....life is cruel.
The Doctor spoke no English so that was a great start but my mother in law translated as much as she could. I was asked to lay down with bottoms off to be examined and scanned. The screen as in my dream showed no baby in my belly but the sac still intacted. I was told to get dressed and it was translated that I had an empty sac, I didn't have a baby growing inside of me the whole time. Shocked but a slight relief as I couldn't mourn a baby as I had no baby to mourn. I had blood tests to check for infection and blood type, all was fine but I had high hormone levels. I was given the instructions to insert four tablets the next day which would flush out the sac and surrounding tissue. It sounded horrendous and would need painkillers.
I read all night about what had just happened to me which is called a Blighted Ovum. So many have had the same experience.
5am the next morning I woke up suddenly with a strange stomach and gushing down below. Jumped out of bed trying to be quiet not to wake anyone up. A had a clot and so much blood come out of me, I wasn't prepared for this. I felt so alone that morning. I sat on the bed hubby had just woken up dazed as he was alcohol fuelled which still annoys me, why the hell did he drink so much after all that had happened that previous day, he was no use. I just sat and cried for a bit, what else could I do. Thinking that was it, what happens now. I lye down and close my eyes.
Just before 8am it happens again but bigger and more blood than ever OMG why did no one tell me this could happen. My body had taken control and was flushing everything naturally, I just cried again, it's so awful. I then started to get cramps which were getting worse. Everyone was now awake so I had to tell them what had happened and that I needed those painkillers. They wouldn't let me until they spoke to a doctor. That is one good thing about being in France the health system is pretty good and you can speak with a doctor over the phone. Confirmed I did not have to take those awful tablets as my body was miscarrying naturally, I could only have two of the painkillers given. I dosed up which eased the cramping slightly but had to rush to the toilet again. I felt dizzy and weird so just rested while everyone went out. I wanted them to as we were on holiday and I didn't want the boys seeing me too much as I didn't know what else would happen.
The worst of it was over so the next day I decided to go out with everyone I didn't want to be on my own with time to think. It was the best thing I did as it helped take my mind off the ordeal. I walked way too much and felt so heavy but continued.
I bleed for a week after, the last day of our holiday I had another scan which showed that the sac had passed but I had small amount of tissue remaining.
Back home and the week of my dating scan. I rang the midwife who was away so spoke to another who said how sorry she was (felt so sad after that call) she said that I need to see a doctor for follow up. I did and he didn't have a clue what to do so said to go to the scan booked. I sat in the maternity unit with all the mums to be with the big round belly bumps until I was called. She asked how many weeks I was urm! really she didn't know. The doctor had left a message and I had plus spoken with reception and she still didn't know. Scan still empty. Had to wait again, asked to wee in a pot to do a pregnancy test. It showed a positive line but they said that should go in a few days and that was that. Done and dusted in their eyes.
I'm now writing this a month later, on my first period cycle since it happened. I feel sad, emotional, angry and just re-living it all again as it's a reminder that I will not be having that baby in March next year, that I had been writing lists of names and even chosen a buggy for him / her for nothing.
Mentally it has been difficult, I have been so up and down. I have had positives of what I need to focus on now and that maybe we just wasn't suppose to have a third child as we did have regrets but I can't let go of that thought. Those baby bumps stand out more than ever and I can't help but look inside those prams that pass.
I have been asked if we will try again, I instantly thought no as I am too scared to go through it all again but deep down I still have that desire which may never go away.
