Blighted Ovum

I haven't put my thoughts down for some time but I felt the need to share where my head is at again.
I have the usual weight / food issues so nothing changes there. I even joined weight watchers again last September and have stayed within my goal range since last November but something has happened and I have started the comfort eating this week as I'm on a downer.

Way back to the end of June of this year I found out I was pregnant with baby no.3, I was pretty happy about it but kept it to myself for a couple of days. I told the hubby and he was in shock which was when all my doubts kicked in. What and how will we cope with a third child. The space in our house is already pretty full but I thought it can work as the boys can share. I had a bit of relief as the pressure of work melted away and I looked forward to the change.
 I then started to feel incredibly anxious especially after my first midwife appointment with all the questions and complications that could happen as I am now an older mum at 36......really. Anyway from then on I just felt worried even though I had strong sickness feelings, heavy, tingly boobs, hungry all the time and so tired, I must be fine. I had weird dreams but one that stuck with me was  having a scan and the screen showed an empty belly.
By about 9 weeks my symptoms seemed to ease which worried me a little but I had just had a night child free with hubby so I wasn't as stressed I had been. The symptoms came back but not as bad so I just felt eager to reach the 12 week scan. I didn't want to tell the boys or too many people until I knew all was developing nicely.
We were off to France and my scan wasn't until we came home so we enjoyed a couple of days in the sunshine surrounded by mountains. One of those days I got my hubby to take a picture of myself and the monsters when I looked at it I thought how slim I looked and how I just didn't feel pregnant.
The next day we went hiking in the mountains, it was hot and tough work so I slowed down but as we reached the top I started to get cramps. I worried that I over did it so took it easy on the way down but when I went to the toilet I had slight brown spotting. Kept telling myself  it will be fine.

The next morning that dreaded morning I passed something, I convinced myself that my baby was gone, that's it, I was 11 weeks. I fished it out of the toilet and wrapped it in tissue........... how could I flush my baby.
We had to wait which seemed like hours for my In laws to get to the hospital. We were in France after all and I can't speak French (they can). Finally at the hospital which was like a maze and the waiting began as we did a new mother sat near us to breast feed her newborn. I was okay but the feeling that I may have just lost my baby then all you see is babies and baby bumps in your face....life is cruel.

The Doctor spoke no English so that was a great start but my mother in law translated as much as she could. I was asked to lay down with bottoms off to be examined and scanned. The screen as in my dream showed no baby in my belly but the sac still intacted. I was told to get dressed and it was translated that I had an empty sac, I didn't have a baby growing inside of me the whole time. Shocked but a slight relief as I couldn't mourn a baby as I had no baby to mourn. I had blood tests to check for infection and blood type, all was fine but I had high hormone levels. I was given the instructions to insert four tablets the next day which would flush out the sac and surrounding tissue. It sounded horrendous and would need painkillers.

I read all night about what had just happened to me which is called a Blighted Ovum. So many have had the same experience.

5am the next morning I woke up suddenly with a strange stomach and gushing down below. Jumped out of bed trying to be quiet not to wake anyone up. A had a clot and so much blood come out of me, I wasn't prepared for this. I felt so alone that morning. I sat on the bed hubby had just woken up dazed as he was alcohol fuelled which still annoys me, why the hell did he drink so much after all that had happened that previous day, he was no use. I just sat and cried for a bit, what else could I do. Thinking that was it, what happens now. I lye down and close my eyes.
Just before 8am it happens again but bigger and more blood than ever OMG why did no one tell me this could happen. My body had taken control and was flushing everything naturally, I just cried again, it's so awful. I then started to get cramps which were getting worse. Everyone was now awake so I had to tell them what had happened and that I needed those painkillers. They wouldn't let me until they spoke to a doctor. That is one good thing about being in France the health system is pretty good and you can speak with a doctor over the phone. Confirmed I did not have to take those awful tablets as my body was miscarrying naturally, I could only have two of the painkillers given. I dosed up which eased the cramping slightly but had to rush to the toilet again. I felt dizzy and weird so just rested while everyone went out. I wanted them to as we were on holiday and I didn't want the boys seeing me too much as I didn't know what else would happen.
The worst of it was over so the next day I decided to go out with everyone I didn't want to be on my own with time to think. It was the best thing I did as it helped take my mind off the ordeal.  I walked way too much and felt so heavy but continued.

I bleed for a week after, the last day of our holiday I had another scan which showed that the sac had passed but I had small amount of tissue remaining.

Back home and the week of my dating scan. I rang the midwife who was away so spoke to another who said how sorry she was (felt so sad after that call) she said that I need to see a doctor for follow up. I did and he didn't have a clue what to do so said to go to the scan booked. I sat in the maternity unit with all the mums to be with the big round belly bumps until I was called. She asked how many weeks I was urm! really she didn't know. The doctor had left a message and I had plus spoken with reception and she still didn't know. Scan still empty. Had to wait again, asked to wee in a pot to do a pregnancy test. It showed a positive line but they said that should go in a few days and that was that. Done and dusted in their eyes.

I'm now writing this a month later, on my first period cycle since it happened. I feel sad, emotional, angry and just re-living it all again as it's a reminder that I will not be having that baby in March next year, that I had been writing lists of names and even chosen a buggy for him / her for nothing.

Mentally it has been difficult, I have been so up and down. I have had positives of what I need to focus on now and that maybe we just wasn't suppose to have a third child as we did have regrets but I can't let go of that thought. Those baby bumps stand out more than ever and I can't help but look inside those prams that pass.

I have been asked if we will try again, I instantly thought no as I am too scared to go through it all again but deep down I still have that desire which may never go away.

Dreaming while pregnant

I had a very weird dream last night, baby was moving in my belly a lot then I could see a hand clearly then a foot then his / her face protruded out. I could actually hold the baby which was a little freaky, it was like baby wanted out but not in the normal way.

It went on I think I was at a work place not my real work though and a midwife came to see me who took blood but didn't have a room to examine me. I didn't sleep long enough to know what happened.

Maybe this means baby is ready to come out or maybe not who knows. I have had some strange dreams during this pregnancy some baby related others not, but recently sleep has been so rare I'm surprised I actually had a dream at all.

Only 1 week and 5 days until due date.

Week 37

Wow week 37 and oh my I feel it, starting yesterday I've had lower back pain which is making it impossible to move around, for three nights in a row I have not slept very well if at all as I feel so uncomfortable plus the thought of the birth ahead is scaring me, every twitch I think it's the start, I know it's going to happen but it's the waiting of when it will.

I'm too scared now to venture out on my own, I don't remember feeling this way in my first pregnancy but I don't think I found it as painful to walk about and the weight of my belly is overwhelming at times it forces me to sit.

I am ready for the baby to come now as I want my body back as I hate having the restrictions on what I can do. I now know how old people feel when they struggle to walk, bend or just don't have the energy to do every day things same for larger size people how can they be happy to struggle to even get dressed, I know pregnancy is very different but it certainly gives you a taste of what others have to put up with day after day.

Week 35

All last week I felt exhausted but it didn't help when coming down with a winter bug it's made it impossible to sleep especially with pregnancy pains on top.

I saw the midwife yesterday and all okay although baby is laying to my left side which explains why it hurts to lye that side and walk as baby's head is resting on pelvis so I've been told I need to walk more to help baby move down which is easier said than done as I find it painful to walk with the pressure.
Good news is I have 5 weeks to go, I've
now finished work and its the countdown to Christmas :)

34 weeks

I have reached 34 weeks and my god do I feel it, the hip and leg pain is just horrible so I decided to Google it and it came up with Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD) which doesn't sound good as it can cause permanent problems. Think i'll mention it to my midwife although can't expect much help from her as I bet she will say it's normal even though I didn't have this problem in my first pregnancy but we shall see.

I have one week left at work which is amazing, all of a sudden it's here but I need it as it's becoming harder and harder to get up in the mornings then driving 30 minutes for a full day in front of a computer screen. I will miss using my brain for a few months and adult interaction but I am looking forward to having December off to spend with Ollie, getting ready for christmas and the new baby, but also I am hoping for rest before going back to feeding through the night and juggling two children.

7 weeks to go

Today I have turned 33 weeks and not feeling much better than last week just more emotional, stressed, tired and the thought of birth is scaring me probably because I now know how horrible it can be. The thought of all that pain.

On a better note just two more weeks at work to get through then hopefully I'll be able to relax a little more, I hate having to get up and feeling like I haven't slept to then spend all day in front of a computer screen, I am ready to stop.

I'm not sure how much rest I will be getting though with a 19 month old toddler, he's hard work and wanting my constant attention but all I feel like doing is sleeping. It was easier first time round as any spare time I could rest, sleep and just watch tv if I wanted.

7 weeks until due date and 5 weeks until Christmas where is the time going.

Week 32

32 weeks

8 weeks to go although I had a dream I had the baby early and it actually popped out, that might not be so bad although I seemed to be out at the time with strangers surrounding me. Anyway I had strong urges to clean on Saturday that may not be a good sign, then I panicked that I don't seem to have any definite names to call a boy or girl, I then had to wash the Moses basket bedding so I am prepared for an earlier arrival, it might not happen but I think with the way I feel at the moment makes me think it will. My hospital bag is pretty much ready aswell.

I've had a lot of pressure down below, I woke with what feels like I am swollen and bruised it actually made me cry as when walking it hurt and legs feel weak. Breathing is another difficultly so sleeping is becoming brief and broken.

During the weekend I had braxton hicks contractions, it is not pleasant and I became very tired, irritable and pretty fed up. 

This pregnancy has definitely been harder to cope with, last time I was uncomfortable and I remember not really enjoying the pregnancy but I don't remember being in pain like this one and having such a low mood most of the time.

30 weeks plus 3 days

OMG I am so so tired, I can't seem to sleep through at night as I'm uncomfortable. I can't sleep in my bed without getting achy hips plus I'm stuffy so find it hard to breathe. I've ended up sleeping on the sofa surrounding myself with pillows.

In my thirtieth week I am aches and pains, exhausted, moody, heavy and still expanding, can't walk too much or far otherwise I feel like the baby will just fall out with the pressure I have combined with sciatica, swollen feet and weak knees.

To top it off I still have just under five weeks of full time work which adds to the exhaustion and irritation, while coping with Braxton hicks (so uncomfortable) when trying to concentrate on work and trying hard to be nice to others when you feel pants.

What an experience women have to go through, has anyone actually enjoyed pregnancy?

It's hard going so I do wonder if women feel the same or do some have it harder than others. I'd love to know how you feel or felt during pregnancy, please leave your comments.

Midwife Moan

Has anyone had really good midwife care during pregnancy?

My second pregnancy and now at 30 weeks I have seen two different midwives the current lady seems young and very un-organised and I'm actually shocked she is qualified.
My first appointment with her she was answering her mobile, calling reception to help with the computer system and not really listening to me at all then to top it off while listening to my baby's heart beat she kept the door open so people could walk in and out, I was not impressed in the slightest laying there with my belly out.
Second appointment I was her first appointment but I had to wait 20 minutes before seen. She forgot her midwife number so I couldn't get my MAT B1 form which I have only just got a month later and she continued to answer her phone, it's so rude.

I had my 3rd appointment with her last Friday and still very un-organised she decided to tell me I was suppose to go to hospital to get my bloods done........what! why the hell didn't she tell me before. She wanted me to go there and then so I had to notify work and when I arrived at the hospital I was told the midwife should have given me a blood card aaaggggghh! How the hell has this woman passed her exams she doesn't have a clue.
She wants to see me in another 5 weeks and this time said I'd have to get bloods done again before the appointment but I bet she won't even have the results from the set I just had done and I don't have a blood card again.
I'm thinking I won't bother especially when they are capable of doing my bloods at the surgery, they did in my first pregnancy.

My first pregnancy I had the same midwife for 4 months who was pretty good and then they transferred her and I ended up seeing someone different at each appointment who didn't have much of a clue as they were just cover for a short time.

Well only 10 more weeks and I wont have to see the midwife again.......hopefully :)

27 Weeks and 13 to go

Can't believe how quickly this pregnancy is going only 13 weeks and I'm a mum of two (that's if on time). Just 7 weeks of work to get through then I can spend some time with my little boy can't wait.
We didn't intend to but we brought a double buggy the other day which makes it all too real we will be a family of four in just 3 months.
I was just browsing in mamas and papas and noticed some buggies were more that half price so after a demo and seeing if it could fit in the car we are now owners of a double buggy.
It's making me think in the next few weeks I better wash everything we used for Ollie and get the Moses basket out so we are ready for the arrival as it's going so quickly now.

My Pregnancy Progress

Week 21

On 29th August week 21 my little baby started giving me proper punches and kicks inside my belly. Even my husband could feel it which was nice to share.

Over the past few weeks I have been getting pains in my left leg when I walk or stand for too long but it took a turn for the worse this week my bum and thigh had shooting pains and the aching was horrible and now that keeps happening, I found it hard to walk the other night. I read that it could be sciatica, oh what joy's this pregnancy is bringing me, people keep telling me that it can get very painful. 

I'm also finding it hard to breathe and not just at night, I'm feeling so heavy and the pressure is just so uncomfortable. 


I'm worried that if I'm feeling so uncomfortable now how will I be in a couple of months. I am now just into week 22 so only 18 more weeks to go.

Has anyone else had sciatica? If so what did you do to make it easier to cope with?

Scan Day: He or She?

I had my 20 week scan today and baby is looking to be a healthy little bundle but he/she wasn't giving anything away and kept his/her legs crossed the whole time and even made the sonographer work hard getting all the measurements by being in awkward positions.

I came away disappointed as I wanted to know the sex of the baby and even the scan photos weren't very clear as you can't make much of the baby out just his/her spine, but I'm not sure the sonographer was much help anyway and not too friendly maybe because Ollie was with us causing trouble and making noise but what are you suppose to do, we had to take him with us.

As the evening has passed my disappointment has disappeared it is actually quite exciting not knowing the sex.
In my first pregnancy I had a surprise boy after being told I'd have a girl so I probably wouldn't have believed them much anyway.

Just another 135 days or so and my surprise will be here.

Baby No.2 Week 18 -20

My diary over the last weeks

Week 18: 07/08/12 - I think I've had a few flutters today from baby more than normal- last couple weeks had one or two but wasn't sure if it was baby or not but I'm pretty sure it must be today. 

I've been feeling so incredibly tired today well pretty much from week 17 but I thought it was down to intense concentration at work, but 4 days off and this morning I just wanted to sleep. 

Week 19: Most of the week I have been so tired and angry towards other people, but it was a tough week as I mentioned in my last post.

I'm finding I keep waking up in the night, I guess preparing me for those sleepless nights ahead.

20 weeks

Week 20: 19/08/12 - I felt proper movements this evening which makes me feel better as I know things are okay but it also makes it feel very real.
I have to go through all that pain in 20 weeks or so - scary.

21/08/12 - Look at my bump it's huge and it's becoming uncomfortable and heavy as are my boobs.

Can't wait for my scan on Thursday :)

Baby No 2 - Week 17

Week 17 I can't believe it, the past few weeks have flown by nearly half way omg. I'm not feeling pregnant but fat at the moment, I can't believe how much weight I've put on already I'm actually only half a stone away from what I was at my heaviest with my first pregnancy now that is scary as I will be huge at the end of this one. Even my breasts are bigger I'm wearing the size I wore when breast feeding last time.

At least the sickness has gone, that was awful although I'm still feeling incredibly tired especially this week, but other than that I'm okay.

I'm starting to think of names but I never can settle on boy names. In my last pregnancy we were told we were having a girl and we had several girl names we liked and narrowed it down to Poppy or Evie but we only had one boys name "Ollie" as a just in case back up - which was a good job in the end as we had Ollie. 

Only another 23 weeks to go.

 

Week 13

Week 13: (30/06 - 07/07)

I've still been incredibly emotional this week I've found it so easy to cry especially at the beginning of this week but maybe because I have been very very tired as well.

People are really annoying me like neighbours, people on the roads, work even a client who I called was so rude I just felt angry and didn't want to speak to anyone after that.

So I'm emotional, angry and tired when will this come to an end so I feel normal again. One good thing this week I haven't felt too sick.

This pregnancy is defiantly harder than my first and I thought the last one was bad. 

Maybe it's a girl :) 

183 days to go until due date.