The up's and down's

I wrote this a few weeks ago as keeping a little diary as been up and down in the last few months.

Since my blighted ovum all I have heard is pregnancy announcements and all seem to be girls. After I had the lose I came home to hear the neighbours screaming baby it just digs the pain in just that little bit more. I desire to complete our family with a girl so to hear of others getting one just gives me this slight pang of jealousy. I can't help it I wish I didn't but find it so hard at times.

I even had a dream I had a baby it was clothed in pink but it actually turned out to be a boy with six toes...weird.
It made me feel if I tried again would I be disappointed if I had another boy, so maybe it's best not to try.

A couple weeks ago I saw my brother and his girlfriend who are expecting they were just a week apart from me. So seeing the baby bump kinda brings it all back to the forefront. This time after hearing everyone discussing the baby things they had all excited for what is to come I had this overwhelming feeling of sadness it actually felt like grieve I just felt like being swallowed up. I couldn't sleep all night and the next morning I just cried and talked it out with my husband. I felt so much better after I don't think I actually cried since it happened last August.

I have been okay since I even went to a job interview so I could focus on new things but didn't get it I was so disappointed as now the boys are both at school I'm feeling I need something as I am pretty much on my own a lot of the time.

That is where I am at but trying to be more positive, I have two healthy boys and my hubby. I need to move on from it all.